WHAT ROCKS THE TUBE?????

MOD SQUAD - Nothin' sez ROCK like ol' Linc sayin' his name is "Leeeeeeeeen-con!!!".

Bonus ROCK is when he sez "solid". Spawned a decidedly non-ROCK flick with ROCK chick Claire Danes.

QUINN MARTIN - ANYTHING by this master ROCKS completely out-of-bounds! The good guys kick ass, the bad guys are downright evil, and the hoods wear windbreakers. Only QM could take one guy who was 300 pounds (Cannon) and one guy who was 300 years old (Barnaby Jones) and make them ROCK! Also gave props to one of the ultimate ROCK TV guys - Efrem Zimbalist Jr. (77 Sunset Strip, the FBI)

WRESTLING - here's where it gets tricky. It's one thing to get ROCK from wrestling, that's all good. BUT for TOTAL ROCK, it's ECW, the bat-swingin'est, ass-kickin' est, muthafukkin' est of all rasslin' shows!

SOPRANOS - The baddest gangstas to ever grace the small screen are on HBO, and they keep Jersey under control. Little Steven's turn as Silvio is ROCK on ROCK! Tony Sirico's Paulie kicks ass and bangs strippers with equal aplomb. But it's James Gandolfini's Tony that puts it all together. This guy kicks ass, nails hot chix and keeps on the Dear Dad tip all at once! All while spillin' his guts on Lorraine Bracco's couch...ROCK!!!

T.J. HOOKER - Ya get to watch Shatner wail without any geeky conventions. Adrian Zmed has foot-tall hair, and Heather Locklear is babe-alicious. Lotsa bleach on the tires for smoky burnouts ROCK!!!!!

WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY? - This may not seem like ROCK on the surface, but while NBC is showin' us "Friends", with 6 beautiful kids in their late 20s, early 30s with huge apartments in the onliest part of NY where everyone's white, this show is over on the Alphabet net, 4 geeky guys with Geek-Meister Drew Carey as ringmaster. They spend an hour on a low-budget set in front of a LIVE audience, just riffin'. TOTAL ROCK is Colin Mochrie, a Canadian who looks like a pelican and is a total psycho!

THE AWFUL TRUTH - Docu maven Michael Moore takes on Big Gov and Big Biz armed with nothing but a camera, big balls, and a Detroit Tigers baseball cap. Drives them all nuts while looking into the camera with a "I'm a bad boy" look on his face.

FLINTSTONES - No toons rocked harder than the crew out of Bedrock. Fred and Barney copped the Honeymooners 'tude and swung it out, pre-historic style. ROCK guests droppin' by include Ann-Margarock, Stoney Curtis and James Darrock. Also spawned un-ROCK flick with VERY UN-ROCK Rosie O'Donnell tryin' to match up with proto-toonbabe Betty Rubble.

MATCH GAME - Gene Rayburn as yer hipster guest, and Charles Nelson Reilly out-flamin' the 'Squares Paul Lynde. Bret Somers as the hag on top.

DRAGNET - Nobody could make square ROCK like ol' Joe Friday and his sidekick Colonel Potter. Nothin' rocked harder than Sarge Friday throwin' down anti-drug rap on "Blue Boy". TGIF!!!

BATMAN - Possibly the 3rd-most rockin' gig ever on the tube. Adam West turned wooden acting into an art form, and Burt Ward's Boy Wonder wailed. ROCKinest baddies included Victor Buono's King Tut, Frank Gorshin's Riddler (Gomez sucked as Riddler), and Julie Newmar's wet-dream Catwoman. THE BATUSI ROCKS!!!

In fact, click on the pic of the B-Man and Boy Wonder down below, and get yerself an earful of what I'm talkin' about!!!

MONKEES - Possibly the 2nd-most rockin' gig ever on the tube. The pre-fab 4 swung into your town, too busy singin' to put anybody down. The gags were swift, the direction was frantic, and the tunes are STILL top-shelf! Let's all line up and do the Monkee walk, then the coordinated ones can do the Davy Dance!!!

finally, the most ROCK you can get on TV:

SIFL AND OLLY - Now, you would think in the world of ROCK, there'd be room for MTV. Sadly, it ain't so. 99% of what's on here sucks so badly it makes ya wanna go get a root canal, have them put the nerves back in, and take 'em out all over again. The whole Puffy/Britney/Backstreet top 40 thing, not to mention Mariah (I'm white, no I'm black, no I'm Spanish) thing took a noble idea and threw the whole kit and kaboodle in the crapper. But here's their saving grace. Two sock puppets who interview orgasms, sing about Prostitute Laundries, act as hucksters for a shady home shopping channel, and give advice during their "Calls From The Public" segment. All the while, never letting anyone in on the fact that they're SOCKS! Beat pets.com to the riff by about three years! Typically, MTV does not currently show it, so as to make room for more Real World/Road Rules marathons.

In fact, click on the .gif file to yer left, and get yerself a taste of what I'm talkin' about!!!

Also, ya gotta give mad props to Dick Van Dyke, the Bradys (mowin' the astroturf lawn), Naked City, Untouchables, Get Smart, and whatever rocks yer house...can ya dig it?

So there ya have it. Go put these shows on yer 13-inch B&W Philco, and yer rockin' without takin' prisoners, know what I'm sayin?


WHAT ROCKS THE TUBE????? OK, my fork-lift grasshoppers, pull up yer machines and drop yer blades. Hey, you on the Zamboni, shouldn't you be in hockee-land, or somethin'? It's cool, though, hockee is ROCK just the same. Still, I know what yer sayin'..."Yo, sinsei, what can I watch that heats up the ol' Admiral console?" There's quite a bit of TV what ROCKS! To wit:

	TRUE ROCK ON THE TUBE: MOD SQUAD - Nothin' sez ROCK like ol' Linc sayin' his name is "Leeeeeeeeen-con!!!". Bonus ROCK is when he sez "solid". Spawned a decidedly non-ROCK flick with ROCK chick Claire Danes. QUINN MARTIN - ANYTHING by this master ROCKS completely out-of-bounds! The good guys kick ass, the bad guys are downright evil, and the hoods wear windbreakers. Only QM could take one guy who was 300 pounds (Cannon) and one guy who was 300 years old (Barnaby Jones) and make them ROCK! Also gave props to one of the ultimate ROCK TV guys - Efrem Zimbalist Jr. (77 Sunset Strip, the FBI) WRESTLING - here's where it gets tricky. It's one thing to get ROCK from wrestling, that's all good. BUT for TOTAL ROCK, it's ECW, the bat-swingin'est, ass-kickin' est, muthafukkin' est of all rasslin' shows! SOPRANOS - The baddest gangstas to ever grace the small screen are on HBO, and they keep Jersey under control. Little Steven's turn as Silvio is ROCK on ROCK! Tony Sirico's Paulie kicks ass and bangs strippers with equal aplomb. But it's James Gandolfini's Tony that puts it all together. This guy kicks ass, nails hot chix and keeps on the Dear Dad tip all at once! All while spillin' his guts on Lorraine Bracco's couch...ROCK!!! T.J. HOOKER - Ya get to watch Shatner wail without any geeky conventions. Adrian Zmed has foot-tall hair, and Heather Locklear is babe-alicious. Lotsa bleach on the tires for smoky burnouts ROCK!!!!! WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY? - This may not seem like ROCK on the surface, but while NBC is showin' us "Friends", with 6 beautiful kids in their late 20s, early 30s with huge apartments in the onliest part of NY where everyone's white, this show is over on the Alphabet net, 4 geeky guys with Geek-Meister Drew Carey as ringmaster. They spend an hour on a low-budget set in front of a LIVE audience, just riffin'. TOTAL ROCK is Colin Mochrie, a Canadian who looks like a pelican and is a total psycho! THE AWFUL TRUTH - Docu maven Michael Moore takes on Big Gov and Big Biz armed with nothing but a camera, big balls, and a Detroit Tigers baseball cap. Drives them all nuts while looking into the camera with a "I'm a bad boy" look on his face. FLINTSTONES - No toons rocked harder than the crew out of Bedrock. Fred and Barney copped the Honeymooners 'tude and swung it out, pre-historic style. ROCK guests droppin' by include Ann-Margarock, Stoney Curtis and James Darrock. Also spawned un-ROCK flick with VERY UN-ROCK Rosie O'Donnell tryin' to match up with proto-toonbabe Betty Rubble. MATCH GAME - Gene Rayburn as yer hipster guest, and Charles Nelson Reilly out-flamin' the 'Squares Paul Lynde. Bret Somers as the hag on top. DRAGNET - Nobody could make square ROCK like ol' Joe Friday and his sidekick Colonel Potter. Nothin' rocked harder than Sarge Friday throwin' down anti-drug rap on "Blue Boy". TGIF!!! BATMAN - Possibly the 3rd-most rockin' gig ever on the tube. Adam West turned wooden acting into an art form, and Burt Ward's Boy Wonder wailed. ROCKinest baddies included Victor Buono's King Tut, Frank Gorshin's Riddler (Gomez sucked as Riddler), and Julie Newmar's wet-dream Catwoman. THE BATUSI ROCKS!!! In fact, click on the pic of the B-Man and Boy Wonder down below, and get yerself an earful of what I'm talkin' about!!! MONKEES - Possibly the 2nd-most rockin' gig ever on the tube. The pre-fab 4 swung into your town, too busy singin' to put anybody down. The gags were swift, the direction was frantic, and the tunes are STILL top-shelf! Let's all line up and do the Monkee walk, then the coordinated ones can do the Davy Dance!!! finally, the most ROCK you can get on TV: SIFL AND OLLY - Now, you would think in the world of ROCK, there'd be room for MTV. Sadly, it ain't so. 99% of what's on here sucks so badly it makes ya wanna go get a root canal, have them put the nerves back in, and take 'em out all over again. The whole Puffy/Britney/Backstreet top 40 thing, not to mention Mariah (I'm white, no I'm black, no I'm Spanish) thing took a noble idea and threw the whole kit and kaboodle in the crapper. But here's their saving grace. Two sock puppets who interview orgasms, sing about Prostitute Laundries, act as hucksters for a shady home shopping channel, and give advice during their "Calls From The Public" segment. All the while, never letting anyone in on the fact that they're SOCKS! Beat pets.com to the riff by about three years! Typically, MTV does not currently show it, so as to make room for more Real World/Road Rules marathons. *In fact, click on the .gif file to yer left, and get yerself a taste of what I'm talkin' about!!!* Also, ya gotta give mad props to Dick Van Dyke, the Bradys (mowin' the astroturf lawn), Naked City, Untouchables, Get Smart, and whatever rocks yer house...can ya dig it? So there ya have it. Go put these shows on yer 13-inch B&W Philco, and yer rockin' without takin' prisoners, know what I'm sayin?


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